[ part one ]
“Sanity is a straight jacket”-Thypoid Mary, Wolverine Book Number (?)
Now the last time that I wrote in, I declared myself “manic-depressive”. This needs a quick review so let me take some time to discuss mental “illness” in general. For clarification, I do not necessarily believe in manic depression or that I myself suffer from any such bipolar “disorder”. On the other hand, I do believe that there is a category which exists that encompasses certain types of behavior and that I may personify some of these characterizations. It is also clear to me that once you acknowledge yourself as having any type of head problem the whole of your mental integrity is then called into question. Your every opinion after such an obscure confession becomes highly compromised given, that you, could be suffering from some “delusion, mood swing, mental defect, lunacy, etc.” (or at least wrote off as suffering from such). Inability to cope with the bullshit of existence seems to lead so called “lunatics” down the path for help...help from other people. The most common form of help that people seek out is from health institutions...as opposed to looking to themselves for answers and help.
It seems apparent that the aim of psychotherapy, pharmatherapy and psychology is to generalize behavior into easily manageable categories which can then be dissected and supposedly “treated”. Treatment is more often than not, a bottle of chemicals which further deludes the patient into a semi-conscious state that ultimately deadens the nerves and makes any emotion dull. (This is usually paired with extensive psychological therapy, more often than not, one on one conversations with a shrink job at least once a week). My last encounter with pharmatherapy quite honestly almost ended my life and did completely destroy all quality of life that I did have. I went from having a bad personal history, and a crumbling romance to having a massive drug addiction (drug delirium is also implied with drug addiction) AND the aforementioned troubles. As my dependency on Celexa (basically speed) and Neurontin (a major barbiturate that suppresses the nervous system) grew, my chances for improving my life steadily deteriorated. Soon my problems did disappear because all problems were nothing compared to the possibility of running out of pills. Furthermore, my behavior became increasingly erratic and delusional, because hey, I was getting help. I was doing what I was suppose to be doing.
Whatever enthusiasm I had for actual living was gone, any motivation to meet goals evaporated. It was during this time that I began experiencing rapid fire anxiety attacks that would set in when the pills would start to wear off. My brain chemistry has been permanently altered, even now that I haven’t taken either drug regularly in almost a year, my anxiety attacks persist (although not as often). Before I began taking the drugs, I had a total of three anxiety attacks for the whole of my life, now I have had so many in the last 2 years that they are beyond count.
The aim of all drug pushers is to keep a person coming back for more and there is no better way to do this than:
1. Convincing an already troubled person that there is something fundamentally wrong with them.
2. Getting an already troubled person convinced there is something wrong with them, and then convincing them drugs are the only solution to this problem.
3. Giving the troubled person (once they are convinced of 1 and 2) highly addictive drugs that begin eroding their minds. (Most drugs used for pharmatherapy actually induce psychosis, if you don’t believe me go check your local pill book).
Here are some other generalized observations I’ve made during my stint with the mental health system. Terms like depression are associated with an out of place feeling, a feeling that should not exist, or rather a reaction to a feeling that is inappropriate. It appears to me, that people are trying to eradicate sadness or make unhappiness seem unnatural. Not only is sadness fringed with a sensation of inappropriateness, mass behavior control is being implemented. How much easier is it, for the average person, to internalize guilt? What I am trying to suggest here is that...when a person is made to feel responsible for problems that are universal...said person feels more in control of there own life...when really the reason they are behaving so radically...is that they realize they have little to no control over their lives. By saying “I am the one with the problem” it is easier for me to become passive against the forces that are generally fucking up my life, and fucking up the world. The focus is turned, from institutions and organizations that have managed to destroy the quality of life for almost a whole world, to the individual...who is honestly, floating around unaware and half-retarded.
A few words for all those currently medicating, or self medicating (I’m talking to all the addicts in the house here not the common drug experimenter aka RECREATIONAL USER): IF YOU WEREN’T STUFFED DOWN INTO A PHARMACEUTICAL STASIS AND INERTIA, MAYBE YOU’D GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SHITTY LIFE. Stop worrying about the next fix, what the neighbors are going to think, or how you’re going to become rich and famous by crying your weak ass sob story to every fucking moron that will hear you out. Jesus, and please just never fucking again tell me about your “revenge” trips, how you’re going to avenge yourself on the world that has made you suffer so...once you get rich....or become powerful. I’m sick, for one, yeah that’s right, I am sick of these junked up spineless douche bags bragging about their last “crazy flip out”, drug benders, and other such self defacing nonsense, which reduces all that they are into a cute idiosyncrasy. (Even though, if I run out of shit to write about, you may hear about some of my past fuck ups and current drug “trials”). Alcoholism, whorism, and being half wacked are so played out, played over, and played up that they’ve reduced “art” (and maybe even life) into a redundant and meaningless...baby headed sideshow.
I’ve been suicidal sure, but maybe that’s just a natural reaction to extreme situations or feeling like you’ve been stripped of control for your own life. And maybe, there have even been times, when I wished a motherfucker would just drop dead...but is it too irrational to assume that these people where abusive psychotics who had actually DONE SOMETHING WRONG, possibly even criminal? The point in all of this is that if you cannot see beyond the bottle (any of them) you really are fucked...and all I can say to that is good luck with the new trial script.
Well hopefully I’ve succeeded in giving you something to think about. Thanks for reading. Keep strong and remember that there is a gloriously bizarre world out there waiting for you to realize it’s potential and your own (did that sound like a year book entry or what?).
